


Not Him, Not You

by Thursday26



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged up characters, M/M, Pining, Sadness, Sex, friends? with benifits?, not a healthy realtionship, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-01
Updated: 2016-06-17
Packaged: 2018-07-11 13:08:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7053058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thursday26/pseuds/Thursday26
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes, real life is cruel and there's no such thing as a happy ending</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Oikawa

**Author's Note:**

> so this is something that's been rolling around in my mind for a while and I hope it's as good as I think it is... but it is not a happy story, so please be warned. There is not any rape or assault, just sadness. I'll explain the toxic relationship in the end notes just in case there's spoilers...
> 
> anyways... enjoy!

Tuesday night, a perfect excuse not to leave the house. Suga is already dressed in his comfortable clothes, a sweater that's been stretched from years of use and a pair of soft, cotton sweatpants. He's happy to be out of his work clothes and excited to melt his brain with a few hours of poor Netflix choices. Everything is already set up in the living room, but Suga is rummaging through the fridge and freezer, looking for a snack that matches his mood. He can't help but smile when he moves aside some freezer-burned chicken and finds a small, unopened tub of ice cream. Cookie dough and brownie. Suga thinks this could be his lucky night.

That thought leaves him when he sits on the couch and he hears his phone chime from his bedroom. He plugged it in when he got home from work, having played games on it all day since it was a particularly slow day. The phone doesn’t chime again, but Suga already knows it won't. He assigned that ringtone to a particular person and he'll only message once. Suga wonders if he can just ignore it, but he's never ignored it when he hasn't been busy. He sighs, giving one last look to the ice cream in his hand and moves back to the kitchen to put it back in the freezer.

He goes into his bedroom, sitting on his unmade bed to read the text he received.

 

From: Oikawa

_You busy?_

 

Suga sighs heavily; honestly considering just ignoring the message and going back to his Tuesday night plans. Just the thought of ignoring Oikawa makes guilt pool in his stomach; he knows that Oikawa always responds to him. Their relationship isn't exactly normal, but what they provide for each other is sometimes the only thing that keeps Suga functioning. He unlocks his phone and types a quick reply.

 

To: Oikawa

_No._

 

He doesn’t need to say anymore than that. Oikawa will be over in less than fifteen minutes. Suga checks his nightstand to make sure that Oikawa doesn’t have to pick anything up on his way over. Although, Suga wouldn't get Oikawa to do that, regardless of what their arrangement is. No, anything like that is too much like a relationship and it is too hard for Suga to bear. He has enough supplies for the night, they normally don't go more than one round and Suga has extras.

His bedroom isn't clean, but it isn't messy enough to make Suga want to tidy up before his guest arrives. There are some clothes on the floor, a t-shirt in the corner, some socks beside the hamper, and his bed will remain unmade until tomorrow morning. This morning was too much of a rush to do any of his morning chores. His mug for his morning cup of tea is still in the sink. With that thought in mind, he heads out of the bedroom to look at the state of the rest of his apartment.

The blanket that is normally folded over the back of the couch is bundled into a heap on one side of the couch, the spoon meant for his ice cream is on the coffee table and there are books scattered around his house. The only things perfectly in place, without a speck of dust, are the pictures that Suga has framed and positioned all over the room.

There are pictures of him on the Karusuno volleyball team, smiling brightly and wearing his orange and black jersey. Some of the other pictures, particularly the team ones have everyone looking so serious. Beside the simple black frame with a picture of the team from the start of the season, Kageyama and Hinata glaring at each other something fierce, there is an article Suga tore out of a volleyball magazine that gushed about the dynamic between Kageyama and Hinata. That was printed after Suga graduated, but he couldn’t help the swell of pride he felt seeing his kouhais succeeding in something they are so passionate about.

Then there are pictures from his college days. There are all sorts of people in those ones. Bokuto is a common character, his wild hair and wilder eyes in most of the pictures. Suga loves Bokuto, his strange energy and is somehow completely charmed by him despite his better judgment. Because Bokuto was around a lot, Akaashi is also present in those pictures, mostly in the background or in the process of hiding behind his hands. Suga gets along a lot better with Akaashi than Bokuto, both used to handling their friends like they were wayward children. Seeing his face, Suga realizes it's been a while since they've chatted and makes a mental note to call him soon.

Oikawa is present in some pictures, but mainly in the group photos where Bokuto managed to drag Kuroo out. The pictures, if they're hanging on the wall, are all perfectly straight, or if they're on the bookshelves, they will be placed strategically for best viewing. It's obvious which pictures Suga likes the best and treasures the most. Most of the pictures with Daichi are displayed on his bookshelves and mainly at eye level. There are some of him in group photos, mainly with Asahi and Nishinoya; both of them still very dear friends. The pictures most on display are the ones of just Suga and Daichi. Two stand out the most.

The first is a picture of them at their high school graduation, graduation uniforms on and wide smiles on their faces. Suga's heart melts a little, wondering how he could have ever looked so young, even with the silver hair. Daichi has his arm around Suga and they're leaning into one another. Looking at it closer now he wonders how Daichi used to look so young. The ex-captain always managed to look older, more mature, but in this picture he looks young, naïve and too adorable for how mature Suga always thought he was. Nostalgia sweeps through his guts and he forces himself to look away. There's no reason for him to get emotional tonight.

But, he looks at the other picture he treasures. It's right in his sightline, on a bookshelf and he loves it but it never ceases to make his chest ache. The picture is more recent, just a couple of years old now. It's a candid picture that Oikawa snapped at a party. He offered it to Suga before he showed people it and Suga was glad, but no one seems to look to closely at it. In the picture, they were at a party, so they both have drinks in their hands and a small flush on their cheeks. Suga will always claim it's the alcohol, but those who know him know it takes quite a bit of liquor to get him blushing. Daichi, on the other hand, is flushed after the first sip every time and it is too cute. They look to be laughing at something, but looking straight into each other's eyes.

To the untrained eye, they just look like really good friends, having a good time. But, to Oikawa, he could recognize that longing ache in Suga's face, having been a victim of that very situation himself. Suga is leaning a little too close to Daichi to be just friendly, but they were drinking and having a good time. Suga's chest tightens the longer he looks at the picture. He wants to take his eyes off of it, but he knows if his gaze strays a few centimeters to the right, he'll catch the edge of a frame purposely placed to be hidden and seen. If it were up to him, he wouldn’t have the picture, but he can't just get rid of it without having to answer a bunch of uncomfortable questions from his friends.

There's a knock on the door that tears Suga away from the pictures. He's grateful that Oikawa is here now, before he starts getting depressed and needs Oikawa to take care of him instead of the other way around. When he opens the door, he is not surprised to see Oikawa uncharacteristically subdued and a scarf around his neck, despite the warm weather outside. Other than how sad he looks, Oikawa looks the same as he always does. His hair is perfectly in place and his brown eyes are downcast.

Suga steps aside, inviting him inside without saying a word. Oikawa removes his jacket first, hanging it on a hook that's left empty except when Oikawa visits. Suga shuts the door and locks it then watches Oikawa unwrap the scarf from around his neck. Neither of them says a word; Suga won't say anything first and Oikawa usually doesn’t speak whenever he has one of these visits.

Instead, Suga grabs onto Oikawa's hand and pulls him towards the bedroom. They've done this enough times that he knows exactly what he needs to do for Oikawa. Suga gets stopped in the doorway of the bedroom by Oikawa and is pulled flush against Oikawa's front. Strong hands grip Suga's hips and hold him back, lightly kissing the neck exposed to him. Suga tilts his head to give Oikawa more skin to kiss. His eyes slide closed at the contact and he tries to forget why they use each other for comfort. It won't work, it never does. He doesn’t know why he tries.

Oikawa's hands move over Suga's hips, to his chest to his thighs. Then he goes underneath Suga's loose shirt, grazing over his nipples with each pass. Suga moans at the attention and doesn’t resist when Oikawa pulls his shirt off for him. He doesn’t even open his eyes. Oikawa attaches his mouth to Suga's shoulder, biting and sucking harder at the skin that can be hidden underneath a shirt. Suga appreciates it, As far as his friends are concerned, Suga isn't dating anyone and he doesn’t want to explain suck or bite marks to anyone.

He can hear the light switch flip off, but Suga keeps his eyes closed, partly because it'll be completely dark and partly for a reason that he refuses to acknowledge. Oikawa pushes him towards the bed, nudging Suga's sweatpants lower on his hips until they reach the bed. Once Suga's knees hit the bed, his pants get pushed far enough down that he can wriggle out and kick them off without much movement. Oikawa pulls back for barely a second and when he presses himself to Suga again, his bare chest is on Suga's back. His lips are still against the skin of Suga's neck and shoulder, but it's softer and causes Suga to have goosebumps.

Oikawa puts pressure on Suga's hip, trying to get him to turn around. Suga resists for a second, but turns, allowing their lips to melt together. He presses completely against Oikawa, the sensitive skin of his groin not appreciating the rough denim Oikawa still has on. Oikawa's hands roam over bare skin, from shoulder to hip, as far as he can reach without bending too much. Suga's hands are in Oikawa's soft hair, tangling it and pulling it out of its perfect style. They stand like that for a while, kissing and feeling one another until Oikawa gently grabs Suga's wrists and guides them to his own hips. Without breaking their kiss, Suga unbuttons and pushes at Oikawa's jeans.

They come off easily and Oikawa pushes Suga down onto his bed with enough force that he bounces a bit. The shock forces Suga's eyes open. The room isn't _completely_ dark, but dark enough that Suga can't make out any details from the man standing over him. Oikawa climbs onto Suga, straddling his hips and giving him a gentle kiss in apology. Suga relaxes again, eyes sliding closed and his hands migrating to Oikawa's hips. Oikawa reaches over to the nightstand and pulls out what they need. They've done this enough times that Oikawa doesn’t need the light to find the condoms and lube anymore.

Suga lies back, expecting Oikawa's long fingers to start stretching him, but it doesn’t happen. Instead, he hears Oikawa's shuddering breaths and he opens his eyes again. He can't see very well, but it looks like Oikawa is rocking back on his own fingers. Suga's heart twists, unsure if he can give Oikawa what he needs tonight, but he doesn’t say anything. He watches for a couple more seconds before adding his fingers to the stretch. The moan that breaks out of Oikawa's throat is heart wrenching and Suga pretends he doesn’t hear it.

Oikawa lets Suga finish the stretching, leaning back and letting the pleasure wash over him. Suga pushes and stretches, aiming and missing Oikawa's prostate at this angle but it doesn’t seem to bother the brunet. "Please… please…" Oikawa begs, breathless and desperate.

Suga pulling his fingers out and gropes around, trying to find the condom, but he's just grabbing the sheets, smearing the lube into the thread count. He stops moving when he feels Oikawa rolling the condom onto his erection. Somehow, it rolls on easily and Oikawa is shifting above him. He just watches the dark figure that is Oikawa rise up on his knees then seat himself on his cock. Suga groans at the same time as Oikawa, unable to hold back, although he doesn’t really try to mask his noises. Oikawa likes them, he's said so, so Suga tries to be as vocal as he can. He gasps and moans when Oikawa rolls his hips, grinding onto his erection.

Oikawa is breathing heavily, but quietly, taking in every noise coming from Suga greedily. Suga doesn’t have to have the lights on to know that Oikawa's eyes are firmly closed, and, in his mind's eye, he's not with Suga. "T-Tooru," Suga whispers, deepening his voice a little. Oikawa moans, hips stuttering.

Oikawa leans over Suga, close enough that his breath is puffing across Suga's lips. Suga's grip tightens on his hips, hoping to help keep the ex-setter balanced. The stronger grip has Oikawa moaning again. "T-Tell… tell me…" Oikawa begs, breath shuddering, "tell me you love me."

Suga pushes down the feelings that brings up and does as he's asked. "Love you Tooru. Perfect. Need you more than anything."

Oikawa gives a choked cry, coming on Suga's stomach. Suga follows a few thrusts later, gasping quietly. He feels a drop of something fall on his cheek and he pretends that it's semen, but he can hear Oikawa's shaky breathing. Oikawa rolls off Suga, curling in on himself with his back to the silver haired man. Suga removes the condom and tosses it onto the ground for now, curling himself around Oikawa's back instead, smearing the mess on his stomach onto Oikawa's back. Oikawa's shaking and Suga doesn’t say a word, just offering his warmth until Oikawa pulls himself together.

Suga ignores the quiet stream of words coming from his bed partner. It sounds like Oikawa is saying he loves someone. Suga's hand goes up to Oikawa's chest and Oikawa grips it in his own hand, a small sign of intimacy that Suga knows isn't meant for him. He kisses and nuzzles at the back of Oikawa's neck, his only comfort.

They lay together until Oikawa stops shaking. Once he's done, he gets up without a word and gets dressed. Suga watches Oikawa move around the room, collecting everything and leaving no evidence behind. Suga wonders, not for the first time, why he doesn’t feel used, or upset, but he already knows the answer to that. Oikawa won't even look towards the bed until he's completely dressed, so Suga waits. He doesn’t look forward to the end of whatever they call this, but he won't stop it either. Oikawa putters around, even finding the condom and disposing of it without a word. Once he's done, he sits on the edge of Suga's bed and gives Suga a kiss on the cheek. "Thank you," he says softly, leaving without another word.

The light from the hallway blinds Suga for a second and by the time he adjusts to the light, he hears the front door open and close. He doesn’t stay in bed for long, needing to get rid of the evidence before he can think of it too much. He goes into the bathroom to shower, but avoids the mirror until he's clean. His reflection looks tired and there are bite marks on Suga's shoulders. He can't look for too long, so he finds his phone, deleting the last two messages between him and Oikawa. As far as they're concerned, this never happened, regardless of the marks left on Suga's body.

Suga dresses in his baggy clothes again, finding comfort in the softness of the fabric. He goes into the kitchen and pulls the ice cream out again, moving to the couch where all it takes is a click of a remote to wake up his Apple TV and bring up Netflix. All that's changed is that his hair is wet, and Suga can pretend he decided to have a shower because he felt like it. He tries to push Oikawa to the back of his mind, but the more he tries, the less he succeeds.

The main question on his mind is who would leave someone like Oikawa so broken that he's fallen into this _thing_ with Suga. He wonders about what idiot that could only take Oikawa at face value and not become completely enamoured with the person underneath that obnoxious façade. Guilt twists in his gut, forcing him to lose his appetite. He knows that he won’t fall for Oikawa, regardless of how sweet and caring he actually is.

He shakes his head and forces another bite of ice cream down pushing those thoughts from his mind and losing himself in a random pick on Netflix.


	2. Suga

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now it's Suga's turn for some comfort

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wrote this piece a little while ago, but it was Suga's bday and I couldn't post something so unhappy when everyone else was posting such cute, fluffy stuff... but i need to post it before i forget about it... or change my mind

Oikawa likes people, but there is something about staying in every now and then. Tonight, he's just decided that he needs a break. He's dressed in a comfortable pair of sweats and an old volleyball t-shirt, perfectly content with cracking open the book he bought a while ago and possibly going to bed early, depending on the quality of his book. The past few nights he has been spending with Iwaizumi and they haven’t been too hard on him, but he knows if he goes another night he'll break. He just settles into the couch when his phone chimes with a new text message.

He swears under his breath that he didn’t put it on silent mode. It's impossible for him to ignore a message, mainly because of his innate curiosity to figure out just _what_ someone has decided to send him. Kuroo and Bokuto send funny pictures and puns that sometimes feel like a punch straight to the gut. Kageyama always asks for advice, no matter how cold Oikawa's responses are (although Oikawa always gives his best advice whenever he can). Most everyone else messages him asking about his plans for the night or near future. There's only one person's messages he doesn’t look forward to responding to.

 

From: Mr. Refreshing

_Are you busy?_

 

Oikawa seriously considers not responding, or even lying and saying he's out, but he can't bring himself to. There's just something about what he's doing with Suga that is addictive like a bad habit, like biting one's nails. Sometimes it's easy to bite and chew until your nail beds bleed, and you swear you're not going to do it anymore, and you manage it for a while. The nails heal, but then you notice that they're just a little too long and they need to be cut _right now_ , but there are no clippers around. Then, you just chew and chew, until you bleed again. And the cycle will repeat itself until the day you notice that your nails and nail beds are healthy again and you don’t have that urge anymore. That day isn't today. Oikawa picks up his phone and sends a quick reply:

 

To: Mr. Refreshing

_Nope! Come on over!_

 

He has a general idea of why Suga is coming tonight, but, hard-pressed, he wouldn’t be able to articulate it. They'd both been doing so well for a while; it has been weeks since Oikawa's visit to Suga's place. Something must have snapped and Oikawa doesn’t want to imagine what that was.

He has about twenty minutes before Suga will show up, so he pushes himself off the couch and wanders around his living room. The book gets put onto a bookshelf. Most people are surprised to learn that Oikawa is actually a very neat person, despite his carefree attitude. His place is always clean, everything in its proper place. The bed in his room is always made and there won't be any clothes on his bedroom floor or wet towels on the bathroom floor. The cleanliness of the place makes it look like a show home. The only real personalization Oikawa has made is in his bedroom (a couple of alien posters on the walls) and the mug he drinks from every day (an alien head that was a housewarming gift from Iwaizumi).

Unlike Suga, who displays his friends' pictures around his place without shame, Oikawa's pictures are tucked into albums that are hidden from wandering eyes. He finds them personal and shows his pride when he decides to display them to whatever poor soul he has targeted. There isn't much for him to do besides wait for Suga to show up. It's times like these he wonders if he's truly settled into this place, even though he's been here for years.

Thankfully, he doesn’t have too long to ponder when there's a soft knock at the door. Oikawa's grateful that he won't be able to ponder his life right now, but he knows that this is just the calm before the storm. He opens the door and steps aside without checking to see who's there. It could only be one person anyway. Suga walks into the house without a word and removes his jacket and light scarf he's wearing. There's a tension in the air as Suga goes through the motions, like an elastic band being pulled to its limit. That tension snaps as Suga pulls Oikawa down by his shirt and smashes their lips together. Oikawa is only stunned for a moment before he takes control of the kiss, dominating the pace and shoving Suga against the wall with an audible _thump_.

Tonight won't be anything like a few weeks ago. Last time was soft, gentle and reminiscent of a pair of lovers fallen in bed together. Oikawa pulls away to practically _tear_ the shirt from Suga's body, tossing it onto the floor. He goes to the pale line of Suga's neck instead, pushing his teeth into the soft skin and sucking _hard_. Suga moans, arching back and his knees going weak, the only thing keeping him up is the teeth in his neck. Oikawa's hands go to Suga's wrists and he holds them next to the blond's hair.

Suga whines and Oikawa knows he's not working hard enough. He finds a fresh patch of skin and bites and sucks a mark into the flesh there as well. Suga's shoulders lose just that much more tension and Oikawa smirks. The marks he's left, just the first two of the night, are already bright red and promise to be vivid bruises come tomorrow. They are just a little too high to be covered by the collar of a shirt, but Suga has different needs than Oikawa. These marks are generally too gruesome for people to ask more than "are you okay?" before they pretend they don't exist.

Oikawa stands and presses their lips together, using more teeth than tongue to keep them together. Suga whimpers and whines and is shaking in Oikawa's hold, trying to keep up with the onslaught, but he's becoming too glassy-eyed to respond properly. Oikawa smiles; he's giving Suga exactly what he needs.

He pulls back and turns Suga around so he's facing the wall, hard enough that Suga's hands slap onto the wall. Suga slumps, using the wall for support. Oikawa's teeth go back to the pale skin, leaving marks, lighter than the ones from earlier, but marks nonetheless, onto the back of Suga's neck and his shoulders. His hands are wandering over the exposed skin in front of him, moving from nipples to stomach to hips and catching on the rough material of the jeans Suga is wearing. Before Oikawa moves to get those jeans off, he reaches into the front pocket and pulls out a small bottle of lube and a condom. Suga always, _always_ comes prepared. He transfers them into his own jeans then attacks the button of Suga's pants.

Those get shoved off Suga without much care, along with the underwear he's wearing. The material pools around his ankles and he's too lost to kick out of them. Oikawa doesn’t care. He feels the rest of the exposed skin, as far as he can reach without bending down more than a few centimeters. The noise Suga makes is indescribable when Oikawa roughly fondles his cock, stroking it up and down without any lube. It burns, but Suga needs it. Suga's hands are sliding down the wall, the trembling making it look like Suga is cold. He could be, standing completely naked in Oikawa's entryway while Oikawa stays firmly clothed.

Oikawa grips onto Suga's hands and pulls them over Suga's head, far enough that Suga is stretching up. "Keep them here," he orders in Suga's ear, voice low.

Suga nods and shuffles his feet to try and accommodate the new position. Oikawa releases Suga's hands, knowing that the blond will do as he's told. He isn't disappointed when Suga's arms don’t bend, even while they shake. For a moment, Oikawa admires just how Suga looks in front of him, pliant and shaking from his need. It's hard to think that someone wouldn’t want this for themselves, but he shoves that thought aside roughly, taking Suga's hips and manipulating them into the position that he wants. The movement causes Suga's back to arch and flex. Oikawa moves them so Suga's backside is pressed into the rough fabric at the front of his jeans. He groans deeply and ruts against the firm flesh, the sensation muted through the fabric, but the view causing heat to go through his veins. "So perfect, doing exactly as I tell you," Oikawa whispers into Suga's ear, raising goosebumps onto his skin.

Suga whines at the praise, his head falling forward and hitting the wall with an audible _thump_. Oikawa's right hand goes from Suga's hip to his cock again. This time, he uses some of the pre-come beading at the tip of Suga's cock to make the strokes smoother. Suga gasps and tries to thrust into the grip, but his movement is restricted by the one hand Oikawa still has on his hip. Oikawa isn't too pleased by the movement, so the grip on Suga's cock goes to the spot just above it and he pulls Suga into his front, rutting against the pliant body.

Suga stills as much as he can with his body shaking and Oikawa moves back to touching him. This time though, his touches skirt around the places Suga wants to be touched. Oikawa strokes over his stomach, his sides, parts of his thighs and his arms, purposely ignoring Suga's cock and nipples. The touch isn't where Suga wants it but he whines in protest when that touch suddenly stops, those warm hands leaving his skin and causing him to shiver from the cold. Oikawa doesn’t leave him for too long, but this time a wet finger is stroking down his backside, teasing over the furl of skin there.

Oikawa noses and kisses at the nape of Suga's neck, just below his hairline, while he teasing Suga's entrance. Suga whines and just barely resists the urge to push back on Oikawa's fingers. He knows that Oikawa will stop touching him there if he moves again. Oikawa pushes in a finger without warning and Suga feels like he can't breathe. He trembles in an effort to keep still while Oikawa relishes in the rush of power he feels. Oikawa doesn’t tease Suga, pushing in another finger and stretching him quickly and efficiently. The sweat covering Suga's skin is causing his arms to slide down the wall. He hopes that Oikawa won't notice it, trying to subtly push them back up.

Those fingers leave him and Suga sucks in air greedily, somehow feeling like he can breathe again. Oikawa pulls away far and long enough to pull out the condom and roll it on. He doesn’t waste any time guiding his erection to Suga's opening and pushing in steadily until he's fully enveloped. Suga moans at the stretch he feels, his knees shaking under him, but he's being help up by his partner. Then, Oikawa takes a step forward, pushing Suga into the wall. Suga goes up on his toes to accommodate the position while Oikawa takes the arms that had slid down beside Suga's head and pulls them upwards, forcing Suga to stretch out. Every muscle in Suga is stretched as far as he can go and he groans. Oikawa keeps a firm grip on Suga's wrists and starts thrusting. At first, he moves slowly, watching Suga for any signs that he may need to slow down or stop. Suga gives no such sign, squirming and moaning loudly, trying to take Oikawa back in when he pulls back.

Oikawa picks up the pace, smiling when the noises Suga makes get louder and more incoherent. He can feel Suga start to slump, his knees finally starting to be unable to take his weight and pushes Suga into the wall more, using his body to keep Suga from sliding onto the floor. Suga is completely lost in his pleasure, trying to feel more, but unable to get his body to work for him. "So good for me Suga," Oikawa whispers into the blond's ear, nipping on the skin on his neck, below his ear.

Suga is only able to accept the praise as he shakes apart, coming without warning all over Oikawa's wall. Oikawa allows himself to chase his own pleasure, coming after a few sharp thrusts with barely a sound. He leans over Suga for a few moments, trying to even out his breathing before he finally takes in whatever state Suga is in. Suga is only being held up by Oikawa's body, his eyes are glazed over and his mouth is open, taking in shaky breaths. Oikawa loosens his grip, helping Suga's arms down by his side when they just go completely limp over his head. He wraps his arms around Suga's body and gently helps him down to the ground.

Just as they reach the ground, Oikawa slips from Suga's body. Oikawa gets the rest of Suga's clothes off without jostling him too much. Then, he gets his grip under Suga's back and knees, picking up and carrying him bridal style into his bedroom. Suga is still unfocused and allows himself to be maneuvered underneath the blankets. Oikawa ties off the condom, tossing it into the wastebasket in his room and rushes back out to the entryway. He collects Suga's clothes and rushes to the kitchen to grab a water bottle from the fridge before heading back into the bedroom.

Thankfully, Suga hasn’t moved, but he's starting to shake. Oikawa drops the clothes in a pile by the door, leaves the water on the nightstand and strips out of his clothes. He crawls under the covers completely naked, wrapping strong arms around Suga and rubbing his head soothingly. It doesn’t take long for the shivering to get worse and for Suga to start crying. Oikawa doesn’t say a word, just tightens his hold and tries to ignore the broken words coming from Suga's mouth.

Eventually, the crying subsides and Suga's breathing evens out. It isn't unusual for Suga to fall asleep when he comes over. It helps to reset him, but it gives Oikawa too much time to think. He remembers the first time Suga broke down and his reluctance to do it again when Suga asked. Oikawa doesn’t understand Suga; he doesn’t understand why he wants what he wants. Oikawa, himself, prefers their interactions to be soft, gentle and in the dark, where he can think of another person in Suga's place. And that helps soothe his aching heart. But, Suga wants to be pushed; he'd rather the soreness in his muscles, rather than the soreness of his heart.

There are things about Suga that are wonderful, that are something that Oikawa should want for himself, but Suga isn't what he wants. The blond is not bulky enough, too kind and soft where Oikawa needs sharp words and tough attitude. He doesn’t feel bad thinking about this though, because he knows that Suga has similar thoughts about him. Oikawa isn't strong enough, his hands aren't calloused enough and his hair is just too long. There are things about Oikawa that Suga won't ever want. Oikawa blinks away his own tears thinking about it. They're both here because they took too long to make a move and neither of them have that chance now.

Suga wakes up slowly and stays quiet. Oikawa won't say a word either. He watches Suga's eyes, watches them clear up and his composure to return. Once he's certain Suga will be fine, he allows him to leave his embrace and collect his clothes. He dresses without looking back, and takes the water left on the nightstand without being asked. Oikawa is grateful. Suga doesn’t stay longer than it takes to get dressed again, and Oikawa is walking him to the front door before he knows it. He's jumped into some underwear, but nothing else.

The only reason he follows Suga to the door is to lock it behind him. He watches Suga leave until he turns a corner, the blond pulling out his phone just as he turns. Oikawa shuts and locks the door, and leans against the cool wood, taking in his apartment. He notices the semen still on the wall and goes to the kitchen to grab a cloth to clean it.

He's about to start wiping when his phone chimes with a message. The mess will still be there, so he checks the message.

 

From: Mr. Refreshing

 _Thank you_.

 

                  Oikawa swallows heavily and deletes the last three messages in their conversation. He goes back to the wall and quickly wipes it off, thankfully it wasn’t left long enough to dry. The cloth gets rinsed out and Oikawa puts on a baggy t-shirt before grabbing the book he meant to start earlier and curling into the end of the couch, blankets tossed over his legs. It's easy once he's settled to push what happened tonight from his mind. There really isn't much around to remind him about it and he easily gets lost in his book.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed it! please let me know what you think with a quick comment! This is all i have written for this story... i've played around with the idea of a third part but nothing I've thought of has been satisfactory... anyways, thanks for reading! <3

**Author's Note:**

> Their toxic relationship does not include name-calling or belittling in any way shape or form... this is them taking comfort in each other to the point of emotionally destroying themselves. 
> 
> but i have at least one more part planned for this story! maybe two, depending on how the second part comes out... but anyways... please comment and kudos... always enjoy that :)


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